I so badly want to be ok with this option, but I am struggling and am wondering how to reconcile my feelings. I am in early menopause. I stopped my BCP last fall, in order to TTC, after 3 months had no period, sought the guidance of a RE and after my workup found I am in early menopause and unable to conceive, ever. There is no hope for me to ever have my own genetic child, to ever have a child that is a mix of myself and my husband. I feel like I felt when I had a close family member die. The pain is like something I am unable to describe.
Of course, DE was provided as an alternative. Upon hearing that, I felt even more distressed. Despite my emotional distress with this option, rationally, I know DE seems like our best option. I so badly want a family, that I am desperate to be ok with this, but I am struggling to get there.
Whenever I think about it I feel a wave of nausea and cry. The thought of seeing a child that is half my husband and half another women makes me feel physically ill. I want to have a baby with my husband and I want to be a mom, but worry I will fell like a surrogate and caregiver, for his and someone else's child. How can I have a child that is half him and half some other women's running around my house? Even with epigenetics the child will be half his genes and half some other women's. I want to be ok with that and I want to feel that I can love and care for this child. I want to give my husband a genetic child. However, I just cannot get myself there.
I see so many others moving on. Why can't I? Why does counseling just make me feel worse? This is my only option at experiencing what most women do. This is my husband's only option, in a marriage with me, at being a bio dad. I feel so guilty for taking that away from him because of my defective body and because of my selfishness of not wanting to see him mixed with someone else. He has not admitted to it, but I know he still desperately wants his own genetic child, even if that has to be a child that is half another women. He is content with the DE option. He has been supportive of fostering or remaining childless and throwing ourselves into volunteering and helping others, but I have caught him with tears in his eyes, when he did not know I was there. I know he is hurting too and these options sound nice, but leave an immense sense of emptiness.
We almost signed on with an adoption agency. I felt much more comfortable with that route. I could envision us happy. I could see us raising a child. I felt a sense of excitement. We would still have a family, we would be helping a child in need. However, my DH did not feel the same. He worries about taking a child from a women who, if provided resources, could have a chance at doing alright. I always saw adoption at stepping in to help. He feels that help could come in other forms to keep mom and baby together. I never thought of it that way and now share his concerns. Another reason DE makes more sense. It makes more senses! Why can I not just be ok with that?
We have an incredibly loving home, we have had a long happy relationship together and know we have so much to give. I have seen happy families created this way. I have seen the beautiful children brought to life. A good friend has a donor egg baby that I adore. There love for her runs so deep. They are excellent parents and their home is full of love and joy. I see the stories of beautiful DE families and happiness here and my heart feels warm. I want that too. However, even seeing and feeling that, the thought of going there still traumatized me. The pain is unbearable.
I also worry about the ramifications of being donor conceived. The internet is full of stories of people who are very troubled by being brought to life this way. So many tales of bewilderment and yearning to have the other bio parent in their life. My husband and others reassure me that the happy individuals are out there and they are not spending time talking about their stories on the web, rather are going about their lives. I want to believe this, but I worry. I particularly worry that my own trauma, that my own issue of my DH having a child that is half his and half someone else's, my inability to deal with my own infertility will lead to one of the countless donor conceived people who are hurting. I want a family so badly, however I worry I will displace my own pain on someone else. I NEVER want to do something that will lead to the hurt of a child.
Prior to infertility, I had never been depressed; have been a very happy person, and was pretty together. Now I am so sad, so hurt, such a mess and down, all of the time. I never questioned my ability to parent, I felt strong. I feel so weak. I want to get to a point so I can move on, to where I can by happy again, to where I can bring joy to another life. I clearly am in no way ready to start building a family with my head in such a dark place right now. Why can I not get out of here? Why can I not look at my option to motherhood and embrace it, like so many others are able?
Did anyone else struggle this badly and finally accept that DE option can be a lovely way to build a family? Anyone else been here? Any advice on how to reconcile my feelings and move on? I feel so irrational right now. Just going back and reading what I wrote, I feel like whoever wrote this is a train wreck. I want to get past this, I want to be my former happy go lucky self. I just do not know how. Perhaps, having only been on this journey a short while....maybe time will heal? Maybe 10 years from now, we can have a beautiful DE child and all will be well? I am reaching out to see if anyone can provide any insight.
Thank you so very much for your time and I wish everyone well in their own journeys to family.