Hi, I'm new to this group and would like to ask some questions. I'm sure they've been posed in the past, so feel free to point me to other previous threads or other resources.
Background- I'm 41 and my DH is 38. We spent over 3 years TTC #1 due to MFI. We conceived DS thru our 1st IVF-ICSI cycle (OE), and he's almost 3. We've been TTC #2 for about a year and half now- failed FET followed by 3 failed or CP fresh cycles. In addition to MFI, we are now facing egg reserve/quality issues. Although we feel extremely grateful for DS, we still don't feel like our family is complete yet. DE is an option we are exploring and I'd love to hear from those of you who are on this journey...
1) How do you know when it's time to give up on OE and transition to DE? I do a lot of visualizations as part of my fertility journey, and I often feel like I am giving up on my OE when I explore the DE path. I struggle with my desire to believe in my body and not succumb to limiting beliefs, and the reality of being over 40. I'm curious to know how women using DE due to age-related ovarian decline have dealt with this- how did you know it was time to transition and how did you make peace with your choice?
2) For those of you with a child (or children) conceived with your OE, how did you feel about expanding your family in this way? Did you worry about how this child might feel knowing that his/her sibling(s) was genetically related to you? Were you motivated by a desire to give your child a sibling even if that meant using DE?
3) When deciding to pursue DE, what were your most important considerations? For me, I feel like finding the right donor is key- I don't think I would go forward unless I knew that my heart told me that we had found the right match.
4) Speaking of a good match, I've read through various threads/sites about what to consider. Besides blood type, the absence of a particular genetic condition, and physical attributes, what else did you look for in your donor? How did you know when you found the right match?
5) How do you plan to tell your child? For those of you who already have introduced it, what advice do you have? DH and I discussed that we would not want anyone to know before our child knows. We would slowly introduce this topic with age-appropriate information as the child is growing up. We both agree that we want the child to know, but we really don't want anyone else to know.. at least not until the child understands his/her conception. To be honest, this is my biggest fear with DE- I have no doubt that I will love my DE child, but I worry about how the child will feel and if s/he would reject me as his/her mother.
6) How do you handle conversations or comments about the child's attributes? With DS, we regularly talk about the ways he takes after me or DH, both physically and mentally. People- incl strangers- make comments like, "Oh he has your eyes/nose/hair/etc." So, I'm wondering how do you deal with such comments? Are you always reminded me of the DE or do you forget about it and indeed see yourself in your child? I'm asking b/c I am usually an honest, open person so I hate lying but I also wouldn't want to share such information until my child is older and understands his/her conception story.
Thanks in advance for answering my initial questions. I welcome any other advice, tips, or resources you find beneficial when considering the use of DE.